Why Stop at Alcohol?

The Manitoba Liquor Control Commission has started a laudable new campaign called With Child, Without Alcohol. In it, you will find such irrefutable gems of current scientific wisdom such as:

when it comes to drinking during pregnancy, the only absolutely safe amount is absolutely none at all

But I ask, why stop there? This really points to a serious shortcoming in our society, namely, the fact that pregnancy is not better regulated (or even regulated at all!). Why, any self-absorbed hedonistic lout can go out and have herself a child. If we, as a society, are unwilling or unable to force pre-pregnant women to undergo suitability testing and contractual agreements to fetal safety conditions, then we, as a society, must be willing to impose those views on pregnant women whenever we see them engaged in any act that may have ominously undefinable but most definitely “bad” consequences for the child.

The honest truth is that we don’t know all the potentially scary long term effects on children of toxins and chemicals and activities endured by a mother when she is pregnant. We don’t. As the wise people at MLCC say “the only absolutely safe amount is absolutely none at all”.

Below is a list of non-acceptable behaviours for pregnant women, including women you think may be pregnant, may be trying to get pregnant, or have a child under one year old that they really should be breastfeeding. Please feel free to add your own, and to work by your own judgement. If something being done by a pregnant women just feels ‘wrong’ to you, then by all means take it upon yourself to force her to change her ways and behaviours. Remember, citizens, this is not just for the fun of putting uppity pregnant women in their place; this is a call to create a better future generation by eliminating the harmful effects of all maternal pre-natal activities.

Non-acceptable behaviours include (but are not limited to):

  • smoking, drinking, drugs of any kind (even those prescribed by a doctor; Tylenol may be used if pain is so severe the eyes are bleeding, otherwise just suck it up and consider it practise for childbirth.
  • eating any processed, non-organic, potentially contaminated (ecoli, salmonella, mercury, dirt), non-vegan, non-heritage varietal, non-locally produced, non-free range, non-antibiotic free food that does not conform with the Canada Food Guide
  • travel by automobile, bus, plane, train, walking on slippery or uneven terrain, or being pushed about in a wheelbarrow without a restraining strap
  • exposure to smog, second hand smoke, car exhaust, lawn treatments, hair treatments, the ‘wears too much cologne man’ down the street, the smell of a farm in the spring, pine needles (or simulations thereof), new carpets, any age of paint, and generally going about where one might encounter VOCs without a personal respirator
  • refusing to engage in regular physical activity in a Societially Approved Manner that does not violate the above points

Comments

  1. fern hill says

    If we as a society really want to regulate pregnancy — by interfering with pregnant women — we need a way to tell just who is pregnant. In the early stages, there may be little outward sign. And some women don’t show all that much quite late into pregnancy.

    Research funds should be spent on some kind of external marker, perhaps hormone-related, that would SHOUT to even the most casual observer: I AM PREGNANT. I NEED TO BE COERCED.

    Maybe a glowing spot in the middle of the forehead?

  2. says

    Why not simply assume that by her very existence, a woman stands at least a fifty percent chance of being pregnant at any given time? Therefore all possible precautions should be forced upon her at all times. Just in case.

    I am SO enjoying this blog!

  3. deBeauxOs says

    Indeed, why let alcohol deprive you of the right to impregnate, as promoted by the stoopid t-shirts sold by the Bluenotes stores. “NO means have aNOther drink” says the slogan.

    Oh yeah, all the hip campus guys know that if you get a woman really drunk (but not unconscious because that is SO NOT attractive) you don’t have to mess around with concerns like asking her for sex. You just take it. And no obligation to use a condom either because who’s going to make a guy put that thing on? And if she gets pregnant, so what? How can she I.D. you if she was drunk? And if she keeps on drinking after that, well it has nothing to do with you. It’s her problem, right?

  4. Holly Stick says

    I think a scarlet “P” on the forehead would do; maybe a chemically sensitive tattoo that would turn red when the pregnancy hormones shoot up and fade out after birth, until the next production shift (er, I mean anticipated blessed event) starts up.

    Of course the tattoo should be applied before puberty; I bet even those parents who oppose the vaccine against cervical cancer would go for the pregnancy tattoo!

  5. says

    oh my GAWD! You can’t hear me. This is the loudest and hardest belly laugh I’ve done in a loud time. I have visual water effects squirting out of my eyes, too. That was hilarious.