The last time we heard from the zygote zealots’ mouthpiece FETANNE Forceps, she was defending a law that would bestow legal status upon a pregnant woman’s placenta. Since then, she has become the uxorious and crafty ‘Martha Stewart’ of the anti-choice movement as well as a self-proclaimed expert on what men need from women, or according to HER gospel, why feminists don’t get men. Next week she will be launching an exciting new concept: Embryonic Ikebana. Let’s eavesdrop on her presentation for the Christian Womb Shopping Channel.

Welcome to Fetanne Forceps’ Christian Womb Hour. Today I will share with you some beautiful thoughts on the god-blessed role of mother and wife.

Whenever people visit my home, they tell my husband what a beautiful environment I have made for my family. I want to show you how you can do the same. As many of you know, I have been a tigress when defending those poor innocent victims of abortion, the preborn human children. But I’m not alone in thinking that the visual documentation that we use is really tacky and not beautiful. And optics are very important, if you want the mainstream media to roll tape.

Our movement has successfully isolated the embryo and the fetus from their connection to pregnant women. But what we have overlooked is that there’s a reason why God puts them inside wombs – in the cruel light of day, they don’t look very nice, do they? And some very devout men have told me that it makes them feel very icky to look at these pictures: as one of them quaintly put it: ‘It reminds me of what happens down there to women when they’re not in the family way.’

And ladies, though I hesitate to say this, some of you have been acting all uppity and screechy about the rights of the unborn. We have to be careful to remain soft and sweet otherwise we’ll be no better than those noisy and strident feminazis. And we don’t want that – do we?

So I put my pretty little thinking cap on, and decided to combine my gracious hostess skills with my faith and voilà! I have developed a whole line of products that will beautify the fetus and make it so much more attractive for photo opportunities.

This is my very own Fetal and Floral™arrangement. It has a simple, clean shape. It is dramatic yet romantic, perfect for the entrance to your home, or the reception area of a major television network.

I let myself be inspired by my love for all those unloved fetus in the world to create flower arrangements in a style that is whimsical yet poignant. Tall flowers shout your intentions, but low bunches of flowers whisper a more intimate message at the dinner table. I put out blossoms in a row of small glasses, clustering them in every possible shade of baby pink. Almost any flower will work if you cut the stems short enough for the blooms to form a dense but luxurious mound just above the rim of the glass. I use about ten flowers for each little bouquet and then I take a tiny plastic fetus and gently place it in the petals so that it looks like it’s sleeping in a floral cradle.

This cottage-garden-inspired arrangement is a casual bouquet of fresh-from-my-garden blooms. I picked flowers of different shape, size, and color, mixing pinks, scarlet, white, and chartreuse with some well-proportioned twigs. I arranged these flowers with different heights and carefully placed the large plastic yet life-like embryo in a central position. I call it EmbryonIkebana™ .

Goodness! That’s all the time we have today. These breath-taking Fetal and Floral™ arrangements can be ordered over the phone. Simply call 1-888-FETANNE. Operators are ready to take your order and make sure you have your husband’s permission to use his credit card.

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Graphics by Debra, of course!