My life is in shambles. My political leader and his acolytes are shunning me, the Canadian Bar Association is sniffing around my tentative plans for an appointment to the bench, my ex-wife is demanding over $13,000 a month in support payments, and now the Globe and Mail is saying that Gros-Max may have brought his couillardises to Treasury Board proceedings!

None of this is my fault. That jailbait jezebel told me she was infertile because she had mumps a few years ago when she was a child. Before I knew it, here I am at 55, getting up in the middle of the night to change diapers!!!

Who asked that male bimbo excuse for a minister of Foreign Affairs and International Trade to stick his stupid paddle in discussions around Québec city real estate? It wasn’t me!

And those damn same-sex-marrying lawyers are trying to ruin my hopes for a cushy future!!

Whatever am I going to do?

Viagra is my Crutch

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Dear VimC,

First, stop taking that li’l blue pill. Your blood pressure is probably off the chart and that’s not a good thing. You know what THEY say – the Pill Kills!

So your inamorata did not exercise her frivolous right to choose an abortion. Suck it up, as my young male admirers in the Green Party say.

As for that judgeship thing – well nobody in his right mind wants the political oblivion that you’ve become associated with, so you can kiss that little plum adieu … not that I’m being judgmental or anything … oh wait, that’s totally how I am, isn’t it?

Finally, have you considered moving your first and second families to Bountiful, BC? I hear that they may soon be looking for a new patriarch. There’s no divorce, no birth control, no alimony and rampant breeding heterosexuality. You could probably become their omnipotent Daddy, if you play your cards right.

Is that nuanced enough for ya?

Lizzy

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Some members of that rollicking party of Harpocrites, PredaTories and ConCons have been yapping that the media has been unduly harsh with the MP from Provencher/The Canadian Bible Belt, though it was actually difficult to find documented material about his antics. As one columnist said:

Toews’ status as an elected official — one who has always championed so-called “family values” in an effort to attract social conservative voters — makes [private life issues] all too relevant, whether Toews likes it or not.

Sources: Winnipeg Free Press, Calgary Herald, Winnipeg Sun, and Cnews. While we’re on the topic of polygamy …